Mixed emotions...

So about an hour ago I was gearing up to write a depressingly sad post about my body-issues and how my mother always makes me feel worse about myself, and how I was basically one step away from becoming annorexic in grade nine, I put on alot of weight since then and I currently only eat about a meal and a half with some random snacking. But beacuse I don't excersize and I eat alot carbs and fats, and mom is only ever around for my bigger meal she doesn't get it. Today she actually said "That looks like an awful lot for someone who doesn't excersize, that' how you pack on pounds... " Then she said somthing about how she doesn't mean to offend me, but how could it not? It took all joy out of my dinner, and I ended up wrapping up what was left (over half) even though I was still hungry. I was about to write all that, only I was in a far more hurt and vulnerable place an hour ago.

I literally had this window open and was about to start a post I would've named either "Maybe I should just stop eating" or "If I was skinny would you love me?" but as I was about to start typeing dad called up the stairs "Alissa, I'm going to the store if you need to get out of the house!". Boy did I ever! Dad is such a Ilifesaver, my mood literally did a 180* as I stepped outside... I'm still alittle sad, but between this blog and mylittle outing, that was all the therapy I needed. I might still text my best-friend, see if she can go out later, because I need to spend some time with someone who won't tear me down.

I think the hardest part about my mother's criticsm, isn't that it's true, I COULD stand to lose 20 pounds... but it's that she's no twig herself and she always seems to sense when I'm happy with myself and chooses THAT moment to strike. As if I don't deserve to have good self-worth... Anyway, I should drop it,before I lose it again. She doesn't mean to hurt me this much, I think she hates herself a little and sees herself in me, and I feel like if she can mold me into the dream-girl she wishes she was then she'd feel better about herself. It's not right, and it's alot to live with, but I understand that she thinks she's helping me...

It's just hard when it feels like she only compliaments me when it looks like I've lost weight, and that she's quick to tell me to watch what I eat, but whatever.


"If I kiss you where it's sore/ If I kiss you where it's sore/ Will you feel better, better, better?/ Will you feel anything at all?/ Will you feel better, better, better?/Will you feel anything at all?"